I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
