Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
