I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
