Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
