Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Panties = found
Randomize
