Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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