a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
