why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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