I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
