I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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