Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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