Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
