i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
