sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
