Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
