I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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