I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
