Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize
