Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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