So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
