I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
