Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
