So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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