so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
