No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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