Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
