I want to stick my p in your. b.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
