Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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