Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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