I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
