Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
