i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
