the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize