If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Randomize
