I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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