I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
