I think my fart just growled at me.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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