Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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