My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
