I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
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