she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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