dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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