I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize