My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
