I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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