By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Randomize
