If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
