Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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