He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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