well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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