just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
