Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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