I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
