he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize