I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
