The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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