We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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