Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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