I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
