I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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