Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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