i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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