you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
