hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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