wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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